*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
This why you should mind your business
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00