Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
You Might Also Like
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.