Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.