The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I think they could have phrased this better
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.