even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Well. That’s not a good sign.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.