It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.