{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest