Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
figuring out my emotional availability:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.