New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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War & Peace
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Somebody call the cops.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.