*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
You Might Also Like
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog