*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Message from the dog groomers
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.