I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)