Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
🙂🙃🥹
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?