Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
buys donuts instead
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*