I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
You Might Also Like
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
#catsoftwitter
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.