I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.