1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks