[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.