No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I don’t get marriage
So that’s what we looked like?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”