Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS