Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.