therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I call this next oneβ¦
Thatβs Not How Mom Makes It
This made me smile…
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldnβt go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully theyβll murder me.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Before & after π
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I get more offended when my dog doesnβt say hi when I get home than if my kids donβt acknowledge my presence.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.