Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.