Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.