Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I have a black belt in leather
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*