(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.