I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
You Might Also Like
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.