Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me