I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?