You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
the short answer to this question
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a