Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”