Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.