“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
#winning
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.