Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here