Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.