Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.