Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.