[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously