The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Had to try this trend 😊
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.