me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Who called it baking and not making love
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.