I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
this is the best interaction on twitter
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance