Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.