She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.