Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
This kid is going places
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.