TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it鈥檚 just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it鈥檚 like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren鈥檛 supposed to.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn鈥檛 find it
I鈥檝e never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I鈥檒l take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California鈥檚 drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
2022: I can fix it
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I鈥檓 not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese