The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
stop
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.