I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse