[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You Might Also Like
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Barbie gone wild
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake