Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
6: are snakes just neck?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Girl, same.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”