Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.